How Do You Take Your Burrito?: The Language of Love
Have you ever heard of "Love Languages"? They're the way that we express and receive love- in all forms- in our relationships. Somewhere along the line, it was narrowed down to 5 modes of expression:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Sometimes, our Expressed Love Language can be different from our Received Love Language, which is to say that one may "speak" in terms of Gifts but may receive love in terms of Quality Time or Physical Touch. As a Capricorn and someone who basically holds other people to the standards I hold myself to, my primary Expressed and Received Love Languages are pretty much the same: Quality Time and Physical Touch, with a dash of Words of Affirmation (You're so handsome and amazing...now give me a list of reasons why you like me and tell me I'm pretty.)
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because understanding Love Languages has become increasingly important as I navigate adult relationships. I mean, it's important to understand in any relationship at any age, but I think I'm finally at the point where I've got the fundamentals and foundation stuff understood, and now I can work on fine-tuning the details- which is where Love Languages come in.
We've all met people we have a connection with in some way or another- you laugh, you enjoy doing some sort of public activities together, the sex is good (maybe even great), you're kind to one another, etc. We meet these people and we get excited: Maybe this is The Person!? we think to ourselves. Then time passes and the relationship expands a bit, you grow "closer" in the sense that you start to peel back the layers of this person, see more of who they are underneath the superficial Good Times. You start noticing things.
- "He/She has never told me I look good."
- "He/She keeps buying me gifts, but like, will only make time for me once every couple weeks."
- "It was super awesome when he/she helped me fix things around my apartment, but every time I've tried to be intimate recently, I get shut down..."
As you notice these things, you begin to notice how they make you feel. Maybe it never occurred to you that you like to hear how good you look when you're leaving to go out for the evening, maybe you never realized that you really kind of want- or need- to see your S.O. more often than every couple of weeks to feel secure in your relationship, maybe sex really does mean more to you than just a good time.
Hello, and Welcome. You have now begun to discover Love Languages and what they mean to you.
Unfortunately (?), relationships aren't exactly like jobs in that you can interview one another and choose the best candidate for the position based on a series of questions and short essays indicative of one's level of self-awareness. In fact, there are LOTS of adults running around our fair planet with nary a clue of Who the fuck They Are on the inside. I speak for myself (but likely many others out there falling somewhere on the Woke Spectrum), but if you don't have a pretty solid grasp on Who You Are- I can't hang.
"But I'm just really stubborn and I don't like dealing with my problems because when I face my feelings it makes me feel bad so I just ignore them and distract myself with work/partying/sex/video games/etc and THAT'S JUST WHO I AM fuck you."
No, friends. That is not self awareness, that's being an emotionally unavailable (I may even go so far as to say emotionally stunted) human being, and that makes me sad because bummer, dude. Way to miss out on being a healthy adult.
Unfortunately (?), relationships require a lot of patience, observation, communication (use your words!), and willingness to understand the other person. EVEN THEN, if both parties aren't self aware enough to be on board with all of these things, or don't have a fundamental grip on how to execute these basic relationship tasks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride (and probably one where someone's going to want to get off...).
Why am I talking about this? What does this have to do with Love Languages?
Here's what I'm getting at, and please understand I am speaking from a personal perspective and these are my humblest of opinions (...but I totally think I'm right and I hope you agree with me). We owe it to ourselves and to others with whom we pursue serious relationships with (romantic or otherwise, but especially romantic) to understand ourselves and become acutely self aware before we try to include anyone else in the mix. If you don't know who you are and what you want and/or need, how the fuck is anyone else supposed to figure it out? I'm not talking about the relationships we have in our teens and early twenties- those relationships are part of the journey and exploration. I'm talking about when you finally reach a point in your life and you're like, "Yeah...I'm pretty sure I'm done with my experimental phase. I know who I am and I know what I want and I'm darn good and ready to find a partner with whom to share this Adventure we call Life with." When you get to this point, it's important you know your Love Languages because, much like regular language, if you don't know how you communicate or what you understand then, um, how are you gonna do it? Imagine meeting someone at a bar only to find out that they speak only Swedish and not a lick of English, and you barely passed Spanish your freshman year. It might be cute smiles and awkward laughs for a time, but after awhile, the miscommunication (or entire lack thereof) is going to become a problem...
Understand your feelings.
Figure out what you like and don't like, what you will and will not accept, where you will and will not compromise.
Deal with your Shit- have some really bad and dark times dealing with the shit you don't really want to deal with because, much like healing a physical wound, there will be pain and patience required but ultimately if you address it and take care of it, you will come out the other side Healed and Good As New(ish- there may be scars, but those are excellent reminders of what we should and should not be doing moving forward).
Take moments to reflect on past friendships and relationships, and remember when you felt great and when you felt fucking terrible and what contributed to both of those feelings- you'll likely find patterns and start to understand yourself a bit more. Then, when you're out in the world, trollin' for Life Partner(s), you'll have a better grip on who YOU are and what you're looking for. You'll know what the Red Flags look like and you'll be able to navigate around them with more ease instead of going in blind and getting tangled up in some sort of emotional obstacle course wherein one or both parties are having fun on the surface but feel ultimately unfulfilled because person 1 is very self aware and has laid their feelings out on the table from day 1 in a very no-bullshit "these are my wants and needs (*explains Expressed and Received Love Languages*), get on board or don't because I'm tired of fucking around" sort of way with positive reception, but eventually discovers that person 2 doesn't quite know what makes them emotionally satisfied in a relationship, admittedly avoids addressing past traumas by being a workaholic, but doesn't have any problem making it rain (financially speaking) leaving person 1 feeling very spoiled but vulnerable and disappointed because he/she cares about person 2 but knows there's nothing he/she can do to connect with someone on their (person 1's) desired level when person 2 is barely connected with him/herself. Just as an example...
Listen, I'm not trying to say that we all need to be Flawless Perfection before entertaining the idea of pursuing a serious relationship. We're humans, we're flawed, and the self-improvement work is pretty much constant (if you're doing it right). All I'm saying is that it's in your very best interest to take the time to get to know yourself. Don't put it off any longer. Do the work, feel the feelings, forgive yourself and others, push through the grime and bullshit and get it out of your way. And while you're at it, maybe learn a language.
