Shimmer

HEADS UP: I'm writing about some kind of "out there" ideas today, so if you didn't already think I was a little strange, you're about to get a sizable dose of weird. I mean, I'M totally fine with that, but just in case you aren't...you've been fairly warned.

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I was listening to an Astrology YouTube video regarding this Full Moon in Taurus today (9:45am PST), and she made mention of how all of the planetary alignments at this time are encouraging us to stand in our truth and our power. How we are to be so honest with ourselves about our darkness and our light, to be OK with losing relationships and accepting others that maybe we previously have not truly seen, so long as when we fall asleep at night, alone in our beds, we are truly confident in who we are and where we are going.

HOWEVER, it was something else she said that really stood out to me, about imagining yourself as being fully present, in the right place at the right time, so sure in your position and your being...and I realized something VERY very strange.

I cannot picture any place on this Earth where I feel, to my core, like I truly belong. Now I'm not saying this from a Black Sheep perspective, I've accepted and embraced that element of my character. What I'm trying to say is there is this strange, inexplicable sense of...displacement, where no place feels like home- which, in turn, kind of means any place can feel like home because if they all feel a little off, what's the difference? Again, I'm not trying to express that I live a life of discomfort because I feel like I simply don't belong anywhere and no place feels good or comfortable. What I DID realize, much to my own...surprise? No, surprise isn't really the right word...my own fascination, because this realization truly did take me aback- the most comfortable image and concept of my true nature and feeling of homecoming is not as a human being at all. 

I am a cat.

No, I'm kidding, sorry. I have this inherent need to ruin serious moments for myself, I apologize.

What I realized was that the most comfortable view I have of myself is not as a human being existing anywhere on this beautiful planet Earth, but rather as a shapeless and formless ethereal being of energy and light. Ugh, I know, it sounds pretty lame and New Agey and like "I'm a fairy" or an angel or what-have-you. I assure you, my own realization at this concept and the sensation of true comfort it gave me made me raise an eyebrow at myself, but I cannot deny it either. I feel, and I can only imagine that I'm not alone in this, that my truest form is formless. It is shapeless, it is without size or weight or definition. I feel most comfortable when viewing myself as a shimmer, a light, an energy that can zoom anywhere at any time and be present anyplace at any given moment, providing light and hope and calm and energy and love. I see myself most comfortably as a ghost, but not because I died- simply because it is All that I Am, in-containable by body and physical form.

I sometimes wonder if this concept of my true nature is a cause of so many past curiosities and discomforts. Is this why, as a child, I was always so fascinated with the idea of magical beings- witches, fairies, mermaids- because they seemed so supernatural, so extraterrestrial; did I somehow find a personal identity in these creatures? Is this feeling of being more than my body why I've always had such a complicated relationship with it, why it's always felt like it didn't fit quite right? Is it this idea that often leaves me feeling trapped and helpless and limited?

I know that to be on this Earth as a female human being is a blessing and a gift beyond my total comprehension- it is a call to arms, in a way, and an honor to be a woman, bestowed with our Earthly as well as our inherent supernatural gifts (we're the gateway between the soulspace and Earth, UM HELLO WHAT, that's insane). The realization of my truest nature, though, as a Light Being we'll call it, is the strangest and most comforting sensation- though I'd be lying if it doesn't also come with some dark implications; the idea that Human Death would be simpler and more freeing to who I truly am...yet as a Human I still have an inherent fear of Death and what comes after. A battle of contradictions I have to fight more often than I'd like to admit. Not that I want to die, because I truly don't- but that to NOT be a Human trapped in a Third Dimensional body would be so much easier.

That being said, I have chosen to honor the fact that I get to have a Human experience and do my best with the hand I've been dealt (which, to be fair, is a pretty damn good hand). I choose to work through and learn from the curiosities, confusions, and discomfort. I will revel in the feelings of love and excitement and happiness. Above all else, however, I will do as much as I can within my Meat Suit limitations to fulfill my purpose, to honor the reason why my soul chose to inhabit this body at this time. Sometimes it really just feels too exhausting simply to BE, but I'm not a quitter so...onward.