The 12 Days Of Christmas OR A Lesson In Consumerism, Overconsumption, and Poor Gift Giving.

my thoughts on of one of the most recognizable and annoying songs raping our eardrums and musical sensibilities this, and every, holiday season.


On the First day of Christmas (I think I'm going to refer to it as Xmas from here on out) my True Love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree.

really? true love and all you came up with was a bird in a tree? may i address that partridges's are really odd looking birds, kind of like pigeons crossbred with quails- can you picture it? it's weird. anyway, a bird in a fruit tree? really? nice try, True Love. better luck tomorrow.

On the Second day of Xmas my True Love gave to me two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

more birds, eh? thought maybe the partridge needed some friends? well i can't imagine pear trees are particularly small so i'm sure there was plenty of room. and you know what they say about birds: they like to party. [disclaimer: they do not actually say that about birds.]

On the Third day of Xmas my True Love gave to me three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

OK SERIOUSLY?! THAT'S A LOT OF FUCKING BIRDS. what are we up to now, anyway? let's see...i believe that pear tree's got about 3 partridges, four turtle doves (which look an awful lot like fancy pigeons, if you ask me), and two french hens clucking about somewhere on the bottom. True Love, what the fuck? do you have some sick bird fetish that you're trying to pawn off on someone else here? i mean, if you need to talk, we can talk, but this whole "starting an aviary in a pear tree and passing it off as a thoughtful Xmas gift" thing isn't working for me...tomorrow's the fourth day. STEP IT UP.

On the Fourth day of Xmas my True Love gave to me four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

alright. we need to talk.

On the Fifth day of Xmas my True Love gave to me five golden rings!!! [and a whole fuckton of birds].

NOW WE'RE TALKIN'! trying to make up for that bird stunt you pulled, i see. you're doing a good job. keep up the good work, True Love. i might even give you a pet name, like T.L. or Lovey or something. day Six tomorrow, don't let me down...

On the Sixth day of Xmas my True Love gave to me six geese a'layin'...

your golden rings mean nothing to me, you fucking imbicile. not only did you get MORE birds, but these birds are LAYING EGGS! FROM WHICH WILL HATCH, you got it, MORE BIRDS. you, True Love, have not only lost your pet names, but i'm starting to doubt how much i love you at all, truthfully or otherwise. p.s. i'm keeping the rings.

On the Seventh day of Xmas my "True Love" gave to me seven swans a'swimmin'...

i'm breaking up with you.

On the Eight day of Xmas my "True Love" ("Retarded Ex-Significant Other" just doesn't flow as well...) gave to me eight maids a'milking...

YOU CAN'T MILK BIRDS, ASSHOLE. WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED EIGHT MILKMAIDS FOR?! they better be able to poach an egg or scramble a MEAN omlette between 'em, because between the shit ton of french hens and laying geese you've so thoughtfully gifted to me, i see very many eggs in my future, and mama's gonna get hungry.

On the Ninth day of Xmas my "True Love" gave to me nine ladies dancing...

well at least SOME people know how to have a good time. i bet you their True Loves didn't give them an aviary in a fruit tree and a bunch of useless farm hands for Xmas. dance on, ladies, and i'll take three of whatever you're all having...

On the Tenth day of Xmas my "True Love" gave to me ten lords a'leaping...

...over all the ladies and birds i've got scattered up in here thanks to your "thoughtful" gift giving? leaping lords, it's like you don't even know me at all! it's actually alarming how far off base you've been. i thought you had something good going there on day Five but you've really let me down, True Love. i'm not even calling you that outside of this song anymore. now, i'mma call you Josh. Josh, you suck. now i'm just sticking around to see what you've got planned for the next two days because i can only imagine how much better this can get. also, how do you expect me to house and feed all these people? with all their dancing and leaping and milking and egg-preparing, they're bound to need some food and maybe a shower. thanks for the burden, douchebag. p.s. lose my number.

On the Eleventh day of Xmas my "True Love" (Josh) gave to me eleven pipers piping...

i fucking hate you, Josh.

On the Twelfth day of Xmas my "True Love" (Josh) gave to me twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a'leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a'milking, seven swans a'swimming, six geese a'laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!!!, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

i'm leaving you, Josh. i'm leaving you with your bird sanctuary and your pears and your leaping lords and dancing ladies and egg-scrambling milkmaids and i'm not coming back. this has been the worst Xmas ever, and i have YOU to thank for that. hopefully somewhere along the line i will meet someone who understand the value of a nice card and a small something from Tiffany's. that being said, i'm keeping all the golden rings and i'm pawning them for cash, with which i will buy myself some REAL Christmas gifts. please never try to find me, and i hope you're very happy with all of your crappy gifts. fuck you. p.s. don't try to find me. ever.

i mean...i'm just saying.
xoxo