i hate your pity.
i'd first like to say that i find it extraordinarily difficult to write while music is playing. right now, my music is turned just about as low as it can go; any lower and it's basically silent. even so, i feel the need to keep it playing, because moments without music are...very quiet.
anyway, i'm annoyed. i'm annoyed with myself and i'm annoyed with others, but nobody in particular. first, i'm annoyed with myself for doing what i've done so many times before. just tonight i told the one guy that's visibly interested in me to basically lay off. i mean, i was much more eloquent and 100% honest as to why i was asking him to do so, but yeah. basically, once again, i shot down a perfectly nice guy, one who any other girl would be so lucky to have giving her the time of day.
i do this a lot.
first of all, when i met this fellow, i was hammered. this has little to do with anything, i just thought i'd mention it. when he sidled up to me at the bar and started chatting, i barely paid attention. the important part of this story is the ending: he asks me for my number and i, drunk and sassy as i often am* (*was, i recently decided to lay off the sauce for awhile) replied with "why, you're not going to call me anyway." well i guess he just thought this was the best thing ever, because he asked for it anyway and he did, in fact, call. or text, whatever. even so, this was late winter/early springish of '09. we ran into each other a bunch, but only hung out once. i was going for the whole summer to California/Warped Tour, so i told him i wasn't interested in getting involved in anything remotely resembling a relationship. he respected that, waited patiently for me to do my summer-time party-girl thang, and hit me up when he knew i was back on the east coast.
FFWD: the second time we hang out was the other day. february third, to be exact. honestly, i could have easily spent that evening inside, home alone watching TV or sitting on my computer or catching up on reading magazines or whatever else i feel like doing with my free time in my empty apartment. however, he's really persistent and REALLY is a great guy that i enjoyed hanging out with that one time, so i decided to NOT blow him off (as i am often wont to do with most dudes) and hang out. and you know what? i had a great time. he finds my sarcasm and honest apathy to be hilarious, which i find rather odd but it certainly is refreshing to be able to completely be myself with someone- even if this recent version of myself is not one that i'm particularly proud of. during our "date", he asked what i was doing friday, today, and i said nothing. he suggested more hangtimes and i, at the time, was down. date ends later, we part, end scene. nothing spectacular, but i felt good about it...for like, five minutes.
FFWD: friday, today. realizing that i don't think i'm entirely comfortable with having this fellow in my apartment (as had been suggested when we discussed potentially hanging out again), but hoping perhaps he's gotten distracted and won't actually text me later in the day, i ready myself for yet another quiet evening indoors. well balls, he's actually a guy who sticks to his word and god damn it, he texts me. well, me and my apathy are hardly trying to suggest we pursue the aformentioned plans for the evening, so he comes out with it. "Do you still wanna see my crooked smile tonight?"
uuuhhhmmm...
"i think i'm going to stay in and go to bed early bc i got approximately 1 hour of sleep last night."- NOT entirely untrue; i'm pretty sure last night i just rolled around a bunch and blacked out here and there. am i tired? no, shockingly enough. will i be going to bed early? well it's 11:48 right now, so probably not.
the conversation that ensued was one i've heard so many times and, to be perfectly honest, am really fucking tired of hearing. allow me to paraphrase:
him: sad, you're moving to LA and then i cant bug you anymore.
me: yeah that's pretty much why i keep my distance- it's stupid, i know, but whatever.
him: i couldnt get close to you even if i wanted because you'd never let me. you're closed off and scared. get over yourself. you're pretty great when you let people see that side of you. i'm not saying this to be mean, i'm saying this because someone needs to- (that's my favorite part. what he doesn't know is i've heard this shit SO many times before. clearly, it hasn't helped.)
me: you're totally right. and beeteedubs, you're not the first "someone" who "needed" to say this. i get it, now shut the fuck up and let me figure out how to be happy with myself. i choose to be a loner because i'm not happy with myself. ergo, i don't know how to let others be happy with me. woe is me, i'm depressed, leave me alone.
him: if you want me to fuck off, tell me so. really, you should like me because i'm great.
me: if i wanted to tell you to fuck if, i'd tell you fuck off. this has nothing to do with you. and you're right, you're pretty great but that changes nothing. you're wasting your time with me, i'm a dead end. i'm too busy concerning myself with myself to concern myself with you. SELFISH. completely.
i must stress that that is all EXTREMELY paraphrased and condensed. in any case, post-texting he proceeds to call me a number of times and i don't pick up. so he texts me to inform me that he's called (duh) and asks me to call him back to which i reply, simply, "no." i tell him that if i wanted to talk, i'd answer. he says, and this is good, he "doesn't want anything from me."
OKAY. if you are putting effort into contacting anyone that much, you CLEARLY want something. maybe that something isn't a relationship, maybe it's just friendship, or a movie date, or a suggestion of what to eat for lunch, or math homework, or a cup of sugar, but LET'S BE CLEAR ABOUT ONE THING: you DO, in fact, want SOMETHING. that something might not be earth shattering, but do not say you want nothing. that is a lie. do not lie to me, sir, i will not stand for it.
so, i say, "if you want nothing from me, then why bother."
this did not receive a response- not at all suprising.
so, kids, wanna know what's going on with me? i'll tell you.
absolutely NOTHING. there is not one thing in particular that is bothering me. the sun shines, the birds sing, i've got enough pennies to feed myself, i've got good friends (not many in this city, but that's OK)...by all technicalities, LIFE IS GOOD. no, really, it is. i even don't mind living alone. it does get lonely, but it's rather liberating. also, spacious.
HOWEVER, there's this little bugger called "depression" that's been haunting me for years. it comes, it goes, it waxes and wanes with the seasons and quantities of sunshine. if anyone knows anything about depression, they also know that there isn't always a rhyme or reason to it. sometimes, the little voices in your head are screaming "THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SAD ABOUT!" and you're screaming right back "I FUCKING KNOW, BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I STILL FEEL LIKE DOG SHIT!" do you think anyone- do you think I CHOOSE to feel crappy? do you think i LIKE walking about feeling like a little black rain cloud? do you think i FEEL GOOD knowing that, despite all that is right with my life and all my blessings, i still can't shake this gloomy feeling?
answer: NO. no i do not. i do not CHOOSE this, i do not LIKE it, i do not FEEL GOOD about any of it. should i see a therapist? probably. probably should have ages ago but like i said, this comes and goes and i've always managed to find myself in a happy place again before seeing a therapist-my last resort-ever became fully necessary. now, i wonder if maybe i shouldn't have just started going way back in my junior year of high school...but i digress.
i do not want people to tell me to get over myself. i don't need to be reminded that Life Is Good or that the sun is shining, birds are singing, and posi is as posi does. i know all these things and god damn it if i don't have conversations with myself about the lot of it. i ALSO know that, at the end of the day, try as i might to deny it and Stay Posi, i am really just not happy with myself. at a fresh 24 years of age, i cannot say that i yet know myself. i know some basic things about me: i don't do well in cold weather, i'm a hard worker, when i really want something i work my ass off and i get it because i earn it, i'm one of the best friends you'll ever have should you have the privilege of being my friend, and i'm solar powered. these things, among some others, i know about me. what i do not know is why can i always stay positive for others but always expect the worst for me? why do i always feel like second fiddle to all my other girl friends? why do i always assume that "i'm not what he's looking for"? why do i equate "pretty and happy" with "size 6 or smaller"? (that last one is really the most absurd one; i'd LOVE to shake that notion right out of my skull but unfortunately, when it comes to my own body image, i'm royally fucked.) so many questions, so many things i know are ridiculous to think and feel, and yet for whatever reason cannot seem to get past.
epiphanies are also helpful in recognizing ones fuckedupnesses, mostly because- as the old addage goes- recognizing the problem is the first step towards recovery. a recent example: i've realized i only allow myself to get close to unavailable men/boys/guys/dudes/whatever. i will sooner pour my heart out to my friend 3,000 miles away/friend with a girlfriend/friend who is openly still in love with his ex-girlfriend/friend who has expressed interest in my friend/friend who is for whatever reason "off limits" to me, than i am opening myself up to someone who is available, physically and/or emotionally. the less accessible you are, the better. if i don't think i'm ever going to see you again, that also works. if i don't give a crap about who you are, then i'm probably not going to do much talking, but you're also more of a candidate for a heart to heart than anyone who should potentially be granted access to mine. how is letting myself get close to unattainable men of any use to me? well, i'll tell you. because IT'S SAFE. there's no vulnerability or risk of getting hurt involved here. there's an understanding that we are Just Friends, Nothing More, and nobody's out to fall in love or break hearts. if crushes develop, a simple "he's 3,000 miles away/he has a girlfriend/he's in love with his ex/he's into [insert name of my friend here]" squashes that. or at the very least, binds and gags it and throws it somewhere dark where nobody will hear it scream (in good company with my libido). SO, i realized this of myself the other night and a small, dim lightbulb went off, illuminating one of my biggest flaws in forming any sort of solid, stable, potentially romantical relationships with the opposite sex. ding, i win! i get one letter on the board. suhweeeeet, one step closer to that Brand New Car! or in this case, Brand New Outlook On Life!
also, i don't trust boys. thank you to my most recent heartbreak, care of...we'll call him Shmadam, for the whopping bruise on my heart that has basically ruined it for any other guy for at least the next few years. congratulations, YOU SUCK. gofuckyourself. ::curtsey::
yeah, not trusting members of the opposite sex sure does hinder one's ability to form relationships. that's another doozy i've been struggling with. and thank you, Shmadam! as if i didn't have issues with committment and trust BEFORE you came along...fuuuck.
ok where am i going with this?...think think think...
oh right. so, to all of you lovelies who have been concerned with my less-than-sunny demeanor as of late, your shows of concern have not gone unnoticed. to be honest, i appreciate them. it's nice to know that people notice and care enough to say something. i'm not invisible, excellent! but seriously...you can stop now. i'm not a negative person, i'm just in a rough spot. i've always been a little mature for my age- perhaps it's my quarter life crisis come a year early. whatever it is, thank you for caring SO so much and your words are not falling on deaf ears, but this is my own battle. please, just let me fight. i can't promise i'll come out unscarred but i WILL come out alive and better for it. i promise. as i said to that nice man i so lovingly shot down earlier this evening: "one of these days, the lightbulb will go off, until then i'm gonna keep groping around in the dark for the shit i just can't seem to find."
...and i guess maybe i'll take notice if someone shows up with a flashlight.
anyway, i'm annoyed. i'm annoyed with myself and i'm annoyed with others, but nobody in particular. first, i'm annoyed with myself for doing what i've done so many times before. just tonight i told the one guy that's visibly interested in me to basically lay off. i mean, i was much more eloquent and 100% honest as to why i was asking him to do so, but yeah. basically, once again, i shot down a perfectly nice guy, one who any other girl would be so lucky to have giving her the time of day.
i do this a lot.
first of all, when i met this fellow, i was hammered. this has little to do with anything, i just thought i'd mention it. when he sidled up to me at the bar and started chatting, i barely paid attention. the important part of this story is the ending: he asks me for my number and i, drunk and sassy as i often am* (*was, i recently decided to lay off the sauce for awhile) replied with "why, you're not going to call me anyway." well i guess he just thought this was the best thing ever, because he asked for it anyway and he did, in fact, call. or text, whatever. even so, this was late winter/early springish of '09. we ran into each other a bunch, but only hung out once. i was going for the whole summer to California/Warped Tour, so i told him i wasn't interested in getting involved in anything remotely resembling a relationship. he respected that, waited patiently for me to do my summer-time party-girl thang, and hit me up when he knew i was back on the east coast.
FFWD: the second time we hang out was the other day. february third, to be exact. honestly, i could have easily spent that evening inside, home alone watching TV or sitting on my computer or catching up on reading magazines or whatever else i feel like doing with my free time in my empty apartment. however, he's really persistent and REALLY is a great guy that i enjoyed hanging out with that one time, so i decided to NOT blow him off (as i am often wont to do with most dudes) and hang out. and you know what? i had a great time. he finds my sarcasm and honest apathy to be hilarious, which i find rather odd but it certainly is refreshing to be able to completely be myself with someone- even if this recent version of myself is not one that i'm particularly proud of. during our "date", he asked what i was doing friday, today, and i said nothing. he suggested more hangtimes and i, at the time, was down. date ends later, we part, end scene. nothing spectacular, but i felt good about it...for like, five minutes.
FFWD: friday, today. realizing that i don't think i'm entirely comfortable with having this fellow in my apartment (as had been suggested when we discussed potentially hanging out again), but hoping perhaps he's gotten distracted and won't actually text me later in the day, i ready myself for yet another quiet evening indoors. well balls, he's actually a guy who sticks to his word and god damn it, he texts me. well, me and my apathy are hardly trying to suggest we pursue the aformentioned plans for the evening, so he comes out with it. "Do you still wanna see my crooked smile tonight?"
uuuhhhmmm...
"i think i'm going to stay in and go to bed early bc i got approximately 1 hour of sleep last night."- NOT entirely untrue; i'm pretty sure last night i just rolled around a bunch and blacked out here and there. am i tired? no, shockingly enough. will i be going to bed early? well it's 11:48 right now, so probably not.
the conversation that ensued was one i've heard so many times and, to be perfectly honest, am really fucking tired of hearing. allow me to paraphrase:
him: sad, you're moving to LA and then i cant bug you anymore.
me: yeah that's pretty much why i keep my distance- it's stupid, i know, but whatever.
him: i couldnt get close to you even if i wanted because you'd never let me. you're closed off and scared. get over yourself. you're pretty great when you let people see that side of you. i'm not saying this to be mean, i'm saying this because someone needs to- (that's my favorite part. what he doesn't know is i've heard this shit SO many times before. clearly, it hasn't helped.)
me: you're totally right. and beeteedubs, you're not the first "someone" who "needed" to say this. i get it, now shut the fuck up and let me figure out how to be happy with myself. i choose to be a loner because i'm not happy with myself. ergo, i don't know how to let others be happy with me. woe is me, i'm depressed, leave me alone.
him: if you want me to fuck off, tell me so. really, you should like me because i'm great.
me: if i wanted to tell you to fuck if, i'd tell you fuck off. this has nothing to do with you. and you're right, you're pretty great but that changes nothing. you're wasting your time with me, i'm a dead end. i'm too busy concerning myself with myself to concern myself with you. SELFISH. completely.
i must stress that that is all EXTREMELY paraphrased and condensed. in any case, post-texting he proceeds to call me a number of times and i don't pick up. so he texts me to inform me that he's called (duh) and asks me to call him back to which i reply, simply, "no." i tell him that if i wanted to talk, i'd answer. he says, and this is good, he "doesn't want anything from me."
OKAY. if you are putting effort into contacting anyone that much, you CLEARLY want something. maybe that something isn't a relationship, maybe it's just friendship, or a movie date, or a suggestion of what to eat for lunch, or math homework, or a cup of sugar, but LET'S BE CLEAR ABOUT ONE THING: you DO, in fact, want SOMETHING. that something might not be earth shattering, but do not say you want nothing. that is a lie. do not lie to me, sir, i will not stand for it.
so, i say, "if you want nothing from me, then why bother."
this did not receive a response- not at all suprising.
so, kids, wanna know what's going on with me? i'll tell you.
absolutely NOTHING. there is not one thing in particular that is bothering me. the sun shines, the birds sing, i've got enough pennies to feed myself, i've got good friends (not many in this city, but that's OK)...by all technicalities, LIFE IS GOOD. no, really, it is. i even don't mind living alone. it does get lonely, but it's rather liberating. also, spacious.
HOWEVER, there's this little bugger called "depression" that's been haunting me for years. it comes, it goes, it waxes and wanes with the seasons and quantities of sunshine. if anyone knows anything about depression, they also know that there isn't always a rhyme or reason to it. sometimes, the little voices in your head are screaming "THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SAD ABOUT!" and you're screaming right back "I FUCKING KNOW, BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I STILL FEEL LIKE DOG SHIT!" do you think anyone- do you think I CHOOSE to feel crappy? do you think i LIKE walking about feeling like a little black rain cloud? do you think i FEEL GOOD knowing that, despite all that is right with my life and all my blessings, i still can't shake this gloomy feeling?
answer: NO. no i do not. i do not CHOOSE this, i do not LIKE it, i do not FEEL GOOD about any of it. should i see a therapist? probably. probably should have ages ago but like i said, this comes and goes and i've always managed to find myself in a happy place again before seeing a therapist-my last resort-ever became fully necessary. now, i wonder if maybe i shouldn't have just started going way back in my junior year of high school...but i digress.
i do not want people to tell me to get over myself. i don't need to be reminded that Life Is Good or that the sun is shining, birds are singing, and posi is as posi does. i know all these things and god damn it if i don't have conversations with myself about the lot of it. i ALSO know that, at the end of the day, try as i might to deny it and Stay Posi, i am really just not happy with myself. at a fresh 24 years of age, i cannot say that i yet know myself. i know some basic things about me: i don't do well in cold weather, i'm a hard worker, when i really want something i work my ass off and i get it because i earn it, i'm one of the best friends you'll ever have should you have the privilege of being my friend, and i'm solar powered. these things, among some others, i know about me. what i do not know is why can i always stay positive for others but always expect the worst for me? why do i always feel like second fiddle to all my other girl friends? why do i always assume that "i'm not what he's looking for"? why do i equate "pretty and happy" with "size 6 or smaller"? (that last one is really the most absurd one; i'd LOVE to shake that notion right out of my skull but unfortunately, when it comes to my own body image, i'm royally fucked.) so many questions, so many things i know are ridiculous to think and feel, and yet for whatever reason cannot seem to get past.
epiphanies are also helpful in recognizing ones fuckedupnesses, mostly because- as the old addage goes- recognizing the problem is the first step towards recovery. a recent example: i've realized i only allow myself to get close to unavailable men/boys/guys/dudes/whatever. i will sooner pour my heart out to my friend 3,000 miles away/friend with a girlfriend/friend who is openly still in love with his ex-girlfriend/friend who has expressed interest in my friend/friend who is for whatever reason "off limits" to me, than i am opening myself up to someone who is available, physically and/or emotionally. the less accessible you are, the better. if i don't think i'm ever going to see you again, that also works. if i don't give a crap about who you are, then i'm probably not going to do much talking, but you're also more of a candidate for a heart to heart than anyone who should potentially be granted access to mine. how is letting myself get close to unattainable men of any use to me? well, i'll tell you. because IT'S SAFE. there's no vulnerability or risk of getting hurt involved here. there's an understanding that we are Just Friends, Nothing More, and nobody's out to fall in love or break hearts. if crushes develop, a simple "he's 3,000 miles away/he has a girlfriend/he's in love with his ex/he's into [insert name of my friend here]" squashes that. or at the very least, binds and gags it and throws it somewhere dark where nobody will hear it scream (in good company with my libido). SO, i realized this of myself the other night and a small, dim lightbulb went off, illuminating one of my biggest flaws in forming any sort of solid, stable, potentially romantical relationships with the opposite sex. ding, i win! i get one letter on the board. suhweeeeet, one step closer to that Brand New Car! or in this case, Brand New Outlook On Life!
also, i don't trust boys. thank you to my most recent heartbreak, care of...we'll call him Shmadam, for the whopping bruise on my heart that has basically ruined it for any other guy for at least the next few years. congratulations, YOU SUCK. gofuckyourself. ::curtsey::
yeah, not trusting members of the opposite sex sure does hinder one's ability to form relationships. that's another doozy i've been struggling with. and thank you, Shmadam! as if i didn't have issues with committment and trust BEFORE you came along...fuuuck.
ok where am i going with this?...think think think...
oh right. so, to all of you lovelies who have been concerned with my less-than-sunny demeanor as of late, your shows of concern have not gone unnoticed. to be honest, i appreciate them. it's nice to know that people notice and care enough to say something. i'm not invisible, excellent! but seriously...you can stop now. i'm not a negative person, i'm just in a rough spot. i've always been a little mature for my age- perhaps it's my quarter life crisis come a year early. whatever it is, thank you for caring SO so much and your words are not falling on deaf ears, but this is my own battle. please, just let me fight. i can't promise i'll come out unscarred but i WILL come out alive and better for it. i promise. as i said to that nice man i so lovingly shot down earlier this evening: "one of these days, the lightbulb will go off, until then i'm gonna keep groping around in the dark for the shit i just can't seem to find."
...and i guess maybe i'll take notice if someone shows up with a flashlight.
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