a mess to be made.

i've started doing more shooting for my thesis project. here's one of the shots i'm really happy with.

hm. i feel like i have plenty to say, but the words aren't quite there. i get so easily distracted by music when i'm trying to write, but i hate not listening to music or watching TV when i'm home; it gets way too quiet. living alone is very quiet, indeed.

i saw some great friends this past week, it was really pretty fantastic. last saturday and tuesday were spent with people i love like family who i don't get to spend nearly enough time with (i should really look into making friends with more people who aren't professional touring musicians). because i spend so much of my time living in my personal bubble of school and work and solitary living, when i get to surround myself in such an atmosphere of warmth, i really get lost in it. wednesday was such a contrast to tuesday nights warm "bubble" that i was just...devastatingly depressed. it carried on into thursday even, i was just SOOO SAD to say goodbye. even though it's not goodbye, it's never really goodbye. it just seemed exceptionally harder to say "see you later" than usual because, like i said, the contrast to being without them as opposed to being with them is so much more defined these days. this transitional period of solitude before i venture off into what i predict to be a blindingly bright future is really tough to deal with sometimes. i'm working on it though, i'll make it through better than when i started i'm sure.

emily, jenna, and i have decided that we need to spend more time together- hopefully we're going to have a set weekly get together. this is really important i think, not just because i'll be 3,000 miles away from them in just about three months, but also because i think we'll all really lose our shit if we don't spend more time together. i only have like, four close friends here in NYC- emily, jenna, chastine, and sarah. chastine is the only one i ever really get to spend any real time with, as she is currently unemployed and "blessed" with a very open schedule. but the rest of us are separated by distance and conflicting schedules due to school and/or work. i actually look forward to school and work, purely because it requires me to be around people that i (mostly...) like, without having to force myself into a social environment where i'll probably be surrounded by people i don't necessarily care for and end up spending money (re: a bar).

...i'm totally losing my train of thought here, but i think what i'm trying to say here is i'm still lonely and need to spend more time with the few friends i have here in the short time i have left to spend with them. three months goes by quickly, and i need to love on them while i can.

also, i've REALLY got to stop letting myself get attached to people who aren't, and never will be, available to me. i think it's about time i just accept that i am going to be flying solo, romantically speaking, until i get up and out of here. i don't think it's in the cards for me here in NYC- i don't think the universe would present me with something like that when i'm ready to move on, and i'm sure not the type to just "pass the time" with someone for the sake of company. i just need to keep my head down but my chin up and get through all of this, accepting it for what it is. it's a transitional period, it's not necessarily going to be profoundly life changing on it's own but will ultimately play a role in bigger and better things, and i'll be all the happier for it. kind of like the space between songs on an excellent album- by itself, it doesn't amount to much, but an important element of the whole story; can't very well just have songs ramming into each other, one after another! it's the space between that allows for the next great thing to happen, rightfully, comfortably.

it might be time for me to sleep. i'm rather looking forward to it. i've really come to like sleep- it indicates the passing of time, and i'm really excited for the future.