Repentance, Gratitude, and Courage: Let Us Always Try.
Today is the Autumnal equinox as well as Yom Kippur. Yom
Kippur is the most important day in the Jewish calendar, revered as a time for
repentance, forgiveness, and starting fresh in a new year. The Autumnal Equinox is the balance between night and day, also a “new year” of sorts
as it marks the end of the harvest and the time where we, the creatures of
earth, start to settle in and bundle up for the cooler, then colder, months of
the year before Spring springs again.
Today is also the most balanced day of the year: equal hours of
day and night. Pagans and other “naturalists”, we’ll call them, often spend this
day staying up all night to greet
Autumn. They also suggest that if you can't stay up all night, stay up until
midnight- that I can do. Maybe with a whiskey in hand. Probably with a whiskey
in hand. At a bar. I think maybe I’ll go to the bar tonight, I'm having a pretty good hair day.
This is the first time since 1901 that Yom Kippur has fallen
on the autumnal equinox. It wont happen again until 2053; I suppose that’s
reason enough for reverence. I haven't paid much attention to the High Holy Days in years, but as I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm trying to reconnect to my Jewish-ness (and make my Dad proud).
My last year before age 30 has been a real roller coaster. I
thought this would be my year to get it together and as the days, weeks, and
months swiftly pass me by and I get closer and closer to my birthday, I realize
just how far I have to go. I mean, I have it more together than when I first
moved out here five years ago but for fucks sake, this isn't easy! I’m
still not as good of a person as I’d like to be- I’m not entirely proud of
myself. In fact, I’ve realized recently that there’s something very dark
living inside of me that was locked away for a long time that has resurfaced
and that dark thing HATES me. It thinks I’m stupid and gross and undeserving of
love. It stayed dormant for awhile and I wish I knew what I did before to get
it to leave me alone for awhile but it’s back and louder than ever and fighting
me every day. Dexter said he had a "dark passenger" that motivated him to slaughter things; my dark passenger wants my spirit to die. However, they do say that recognition is the first step to recovery so as I have recognized this issue within myself, I suppose I am one step further to getting better. Now I've just got to figure out how...
I'm going to start with some spiritual cleansing in honor of the holiday(s).
As it is Yom Kippur, I feel it only appropriate to think
about the past year and all the things that happened that I could have done better. And, as it is the Autumnal Equinox and generally thought of as a time for
gratitude of the harvest and a time of balance, maybe I’ll also take stock of all the things in the
past year that I’m happy with and grateful for.
Repentance:
- I could have been a better friend. There were times I made selfish choices instead of thinking of my friends first and in retrospect, I definitely did not do the right thing.
- I could have been a better daughter- I should have called my parents more. I could have asked them for money less. I could have done more to make them proud of me. I should have it more together by now.
- I could have been better to myself- sometimes I feed the dark thing living inside of me instead of starving it like I should. I need to be kinder to myself, treat myself better, make better choices that will serve me in the long run so I run out of fuel for my self hate. I should quit smoking and I should drink less. I need to stop bullying myself and fall in love with who I am, for better or worse.
I ask for forgiveness for all of these things, and offer forgiveness for those who have wronged me in turn. I forgive myself for my misgivings and allow myself to move onward and upward in this new year.
(Gosh, I got a little choked up writing that last bit....I very clearly have some shit to work out. I should probably look into therapy at some point.)
Anyway, onto Gratitude! I have so many things to be grateful for but let's keep things parallel and do a Top 3:
- I am grateful for my friends and family. In the past year, so many people have come and gone from my life. Most of my close friends moved away. I've had ups and downs with so many of these humans but the really good ones have stuck around, regardless of distance. My family has been incredibly supportive through this tumultuous year, as they always have been (probably more than they ever should have been). I am so grateful for the people I have in my life and I do my very best to never take them for granted.
- I am grateful for a new job that doesn't make me feel like my body is going to shut down every time I have to get up for work. I have a supportive boss and coworkers, I feel valued, and I feel like an asset to the company. I love that it falls in line with my personal interests and I am proud to be a part of the team.
- I am grateful for my body. It sure does have some kinks and doesn't always feel 100% but it is strong and healthy and allows me to get up and out of bed every day and live an active life without having to think twice (most of the time). It allows me to pursue one of my passions, yoga. I could treat it better and be kinder to it, say/think nicer things, but truly- I am grateful for what I have to work with.
I send these thoughts of gratitude into the world with high vibrations, in hopes to generate a ripple effect of more gratitude and positive vibes in this new year.
Ha! Even just saying these things made my insides skip a little, in a good way.
It is incredible what a shift in perspective can do for a person. Even between repentance and gratitude, I felt a shift inside myself. While typing out my repentance, I felt low. Sad. Like something was welling up inside, like I was just dwelling on the darkness. But as I was typing out what I was grateful for, it was as though a light came over me, and I genuinely felt a happiness and a warmth inside. Simply focusing on the positive instead of a negative changed how I felt in nearly an instant.
AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT???
Easier said than done though, all of this takes effort. It's hard work sometimes, just simply living. Trying to do it well? That's a whole other level of effort. It's easier at some points in life than it is at others. It's easier for some people in general than it is for others. Even though Yoda tells us that we do or do not, there is no try, that's really all you can do in this life- try. Always try. Keep trying to do better, to be better. To yourself, to others, for yourself, and for others.
Let us all be courageous and live as best we can. Let us always try.
