It was fear of myself that made me odd.
I spent most weekends during February 7-June 7, 2015 training with a well-known YogaWorks yoga teacher named Carolina Goldberg to complete my 200-hr Yoga Teacher Training and become a certified yoga teacher myself. I had been practicing yoga consistently for about 2 1/2 years at that point and had a previous revelation about my purpose in life whilst having a quarter-life crisis regarding "what i wanted to be when i grew up."
Anyway, I had a rough end to my summer upon the realization that none of my close friends live close to me anymore. I was desperate for friendship and attention and fell off the wagon with my physical and mental health. I was basically on a bender of bad choices for August-September. I was having a good time and I thought I was happy but what I didn't realize was I was backsliding into old familiar, unhealthy territory, all in the wake of what was arguably the most healthy and admirable thing I've done in my life. I'm still trying to recover from this fall and crawl out of the hole I found myself in; as someone who has struggled with depression for upwards of 10 years and has recently found herself in a darker place than she has in years, this is easier said than done.
How can I lead people through a positive and meaningful yoga practice when I can barely get my own ass on the mat (and my head out of it)? Sure, I make myself go- part of my recovery is realizing that prioritizing my practice over nearly anything else is going to be part of picking myself back up again. However, while I've been going through all of this, I'm simultaneously beating myself up over not teaching ("WTF was your training for?!") but following it up with "it's ok. you need to take care of yourself before you take care of someone else." We were cautioned in our training that if your energy is off, be careful about your contact with others; maybe don't do hands-on adjustments or make physical contact because that can be felt by and transferred to your students and you don't want that.
I told my friend I'd come over tonight for a yoga session because I decided I had been putting it off too long and just had to do it. No more excuses, just jump in and do it.
I'm so nervous. I don't know why; I know I can teach. I know I could lead a practice. For some reason, I have so much anxiety; I've lost so much of my confidence and sense of self-worth recently that I'm just so anxious and afraid to fail. I also know in my heart of hearts that it needs to be done, I need to rip off the band-aid, and the only way it's ever going to get better and I'm going to get better.
I still feel like I'm gonna barf.
Anyway, I had a rough end to my summer upon the realization that none of my close friends live close to me anymore. I was desperate for friendship and attention and fell off the wagon with my physical and mental health. I was basically on a bender of bad choices for August-September. I was having a good time and I thought I was happy but what I didn't realize was I was backsliding into old familiar, unhealthy territory, all in the wake of what was arguably the most healthy and admirable thing I've done in my life. I'm still trying to recover from this fall and crawl out of the hole I found myself in; as someone who has struggled with depression for upwards of 10 years and has recently found herself in a darker place than she has in years, this is easier said than done.
How can I lead people through a positive and meaningful yoga practice when I can barely get my own ass on the mat (and my head out of it)? Sure, I make myself go- part of my recovery is realizing that prioritizing my practice over nearly anything else is going to be part of picking myself back up again. However, while I've been going through all of this, I'm simultaneously beating myself up over not teaching ("WTF was your training for?!") but following it up with "it's ok. you need to take care of yourself before you take care of someone else." We were cautioned in our training that if your energy is off, be careful about your contact with others; maybe don't do hands-on adjustments or make physical contact because that can be felt by and transferred to your students and you don't want that.
I told my friend I'd come over tonight for a yoga session because I decided I had been putting it off too long and just had to do it. No more excuses, just jump in and do it.
I'm so nervous. I don't know why; I know I can teach. I know I could lead a practice. For some reason, I have so much anxiety; I've lost so much of my confidence and sense of self-worth recently that I'm just so anxious and afraid to fail. I also know in my heart of hearts that it needs to be done, I need to rip off the band-aid, and the only way it's ever going to get better and I'm going to get better.
I still feel like I'm gonna barf.
